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Date Posted: May 13, 2017
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The best gift for Mothers’ Day

This mothers’ day, my special celebration goes to mothers of special needs children. They have faced all sorts of advice, opinions, judgment and even ridicule from well-meaning quarters.

Most likely, there’s no one in the world that knows special needs children as well as their mothers. No mother wants their child to have special needs. However, they are the unsung heroes who continually offer their unconditional love for these children.

When a special needs child does something out of the ordinary, it is not time for society to start judging them. Probably, this would be the time to offer your support to the family. We all have things we want to say at any time. Granted, we all have our opinions. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Sometimes, it is of great benefit to everyone if we would just hold on to our thoughts and not voice them.

Recently, our niece who was diagnosed with schizophrenia went missing. She couldn’t have chosen a worse time to pull her disappearing act. My sister had just had my nephew. The last three weeks have therefore been trying for my sister. She has had to contend with several comments to suggest that the girl may have eloped with a lover; some were asking her whether the girl really wanted to go to school and many other things that I don’t want to go into the details of.

I am not a mother currently, but I felt the emotional drain that the situation had on the new mom who happens to be my sister. Heck! I also lost sleep during this time, just thinking that I was in a cozy bed while we didn’t know where my niece was. The pressure on a mother, who’s first born goes missing, when she needs all the strength to recuperate from childbirth, gets worse. Thank goodness that the agonizing three weeks have passed. Today my niece is reunited with her family. There is no gift on mothers’ day that’s greater than the reunion with her daughter.

Luuvi Ajayi wrote the book I’m judging you-The do better manual, in which she speaks of the irksome things that people do. (It is a great read by the way). Airing opinions about situations we rarely understand could perfectly fit in the book. (You are welcome to judge me for suggesting an addition to your book.)

During these three weeks, we have also received support from all quarters. People who we would not have crossed paths with under any other circumstance. My special thanks go to Missing Child Kenya for putting up notices about missing children. I never thought of how so important your work was. Not until we actually needed your services. Thanks to everyone who re-tweeted, shared the post on social media and just asked the question, “What can I do to help?” Thank you for all those who prayed with us- your prayers availed much.

Today I celebrate that mother who has a child with Cerebral Palsy, that epileptic child, that autistic child who has been dismissed by society as hyper, that mother whose heart breaks every time her child comes home from school with a report of how a teacher carelessly told them that they were crazy. I would like to tell them that their child is unique in their own special way. After all, it is in our differences that we express beauty in the world.  Happy Mothers’ Day.

Date Posted: May 3, 2016
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Celebrating different shades of phenomenal moms #StillAMum

Mom

Dear Mama,

I wonder what your smile would be like. I only remember you on photos. I can say confidently that you were such a beautiful woman. Many times I try to ask questions of who you were. I remember closing my eyes and imagining you smiling. That was when I was a little girl, too timid to ask why my birth certificate had a different name in place of mother’s name.

Life has taught me to ask questions and be bold enough to air my views. I hope it is not too late for me. Even writing this letter is a step toward breaking the shackles I have lived under for years. I was taught for years that talking to the dead was evil, so I resisted the urge to write you letters. I must confess it is not very easy for me, even as I write this, tears are actually flowing down my cheeks.

Oh, how I miss you. Just the other day, did I learn of your untimely death at 29 years. You died when I was 7 years old, yet I never knew you. I have many other questions that I seek answers to. I hope I’ll piece all pieces of this puzzle someday. Sometimes I just want to talk to you, ask you these questions, share my frustrations and joys, have you see me through my triumphs.

Speaking of which, do you know I once experienced motherhood? How I miss little David kicking in my belly. I was really naïve; I couldn’t tell that I was in labor. I ended up giving birth outside on our way to hospital. Little David, oh! He coughed due to the cold of the night that welcomed him to this world. I wished mama was there as nurse Aggie. Maybe you would have taken good care of this ignorant teenager who had just had a baby in the cold. I remember seeing his beautiful face and whispering to him, “You are Aggie’s grandchild, you know?”

You left me with a mother. She did her best to raise me into the woman that I am today. She raised me like her own, not mentioning your memories. You were a secret in our house. That is why I couldn’t ask questions about you.  When I was pregnant, I became so close to mom Rose.

Even through the hurdles that life has dealt us, I still go to mum Rose for advice. She is the one who stood by me when little David decided to follow you. It was such a heart wrenching moment that I am yet to recover from 13 years later. Anyway, I have my 13-year-old niece to give me a smile. While we were burying little David, my sister Sellah was in hospital, giving birth to Beryl. Sellah now has three children you know?

I have a friend whose name reminds me of you. She is Agnes Obutu. She was my high school teacher. She welcomed me to live with her family when I was doing my KCSE. She is a mother to a boy living with autism. She has three boys. This woman is one of my mothers. Even though I went silent on her when I discovered I was pregnant, she did not judge me when she finally knew my story. She is one of the people pushing me to write a memoir. Someday I will.

Mom, I know you were a learned woman. You would have loved me to be as learned, yet you were not here to educate me. Mom Tamar Abrams took that up. She fund-raised for my diploma education and sent me to university. This is despite her having her own Hannah Lily, who she had through IVF. I respected her more when I read the story she wrote. Hannah is a beautiful young lady whom I have been friends with and hope to meet someday. Tamar has such a big heart for children. She is in fact a foster mother to many.

There is Elaine Wilson who is not yet a mother. She took over paying my school fees through undergraduate. Even now, she writes me messages. “Are you ok? How is your health? This is despite her being just a year older than me. What can you call such a friend? I simply call her Rafiki- My Canadian friend. I am sure she will be a phenomenal mom.

Mom, there are friends who have lost babies that remind me of the pain I went through. Sometimes I lack words to comfort them. These are times when I just go and cry together with them. Last month, we went to Langatta Cemetary to burry Edwina’s two-year-old Gabriel. I remember telling her that she was still a mum. She asked me, tears in her eyes, “Whose mom?”

I can’t forget the mothers who have carried their babies, felt them kicking, experienced morning sickness, gained weight, only to lose their unborn babies, either pre-term, or when giving birth.

This reminds me of Angelah, who had the first baby through CS, and went back home without her baby. Her bundle of joy was a still birth. The next time she carried another pregnancy, gave birth through Cesarean Section, a healthy baby boy. Just when we were getting ready to go celebrate with her, I received a message from her sister Anne, that Angelah died of CS complication. She left her son behind.

I can’t sign off this letter without telling you about Anne Pendo. She was almost due when her sister died. It broke my heart seeing her crying, mourning her sister when she was so pregnant. Right now, she is a single mother to little handsome, 18 month old Jedidiah. I salute her for her courage, carrying the pregnancy as a single mother in church.

Mom, even as I celebrate you today, I want to also celebrate all types of mothers out there. The single moms, stepmoms, foster moms, IVF moms, adoptive mums, mums who have lost their babies and mums who ended up dying and left their babies living.

This mothers’ day, know that you are still a mum. I am also telling myself that no matter what happened, I am also still a mum. When the right time comes, I will hold my baby. Meanwhile, there are a lot of precious babies and children around me to love. Happy mother’s day to all my mums and friends who are mums.

With love from Juls,

Your Daughter and Friend.

Date Posted: May 1, 2016
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#StillAMum, Celebrating different shades of mothers, May 2-8th

SAM_MAIN

Over the years we have celebrated mothers. It is that time of the  year again. Mother’s day, Sunday 8th, May is just around the corner.

Every year on Mothers’ Day there is a group of people that do not get celebrated for one reason or other. They are not the regular mum and as such they feel left out. These are mums who have lost their babies either through miscarriage or infant mortality. Some are dealing with infertility.

Still A Mum Trust, a non-profit organization established in 2015 supports women and families dealing with miscarriages, stillbirth and infant loss. Still A Mum comes from a desire to celebrate women who have lost babies and affirm them that they are still mothers despite their loss.

In the African culture, a woman’s worth is usually attached to her ability to be a mother. This means that any woman who cannot get children for one reason or another is regarded as less of a woman. She is judged and often socially segregated. In some societies, women who are unable to bear children are considered bewitched. In some cases, in-laws ultimately look for a child-bearing woman as a replacement for their son.

This is often not the case. 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. This means that best case scenario, 1 in every 10 women will have a miscarriage or worst case scenario 1 in every 4 women will get a miscarriage. It is estimated that in Africa, a staggering 4.2 million miscarriages are reported every year. Studies also show that 1 in 100 women will experience recurrent miscarriages (three or more successive miscarriages). In Kenya, there are no conclusive nationwide statistics and even those kept by hospitals do not include women who had a miscarriage at home.

From the moment these women lose their babies, they have no support system. Most if not all are required to go back to regular life as if nothing happened. They need to be given a chance and means to grieve as well a chance to understand the medical explanations for the loss.

Still a Mum wants to change the narrative by celebrating mums in all their different shades. Which is why this coming week, they have organized several activities leading to mothers’ day.  The celebration event will be on Sunday 8th May but will be preceded by a whole week campaign on social media as well as mainstream media.

Below is the program:

Monday 2nd May: Single mum and #StillAMum
Tuesday 3rd May: IVF mum and #StillAMum
Wednesday 4th May: Adoptive mum and #StillAMum
Thursday 5th May: Lost my baby but #StillAMum
Friday 6th May: Step mum and #StillAMum

These twitter chats will take place on the respective days at 2-4 pm (EAT). You are welcome to participate in any of these activities in celebration of the different shades of mothers.